_Holding Hands Helps

In the first study of how human touch affects the body’s response to stress and threatening situations, Dr. James Coan, a psychologist in the departments of psychology and neuroscience at the University of Virginia, recruited married volunteers, slid them into MRI machines and warned them to expect an electric shock on their ankles. When spouses reached into the machines to hold their respective partner’s hand – a simple yet loving gesture of support – the part of the brain that registers the anticipation of pain "turned off." The volunteers also said that they felt less distress.

The hand – holding also reduced agitation in the hypothalamus, the area of the brain that controls the release of stress hormones, which turn off our immune function. Eventually, a weakened immune system can make us sick.

"We can’t see what our spouses are doing to our brains and emotions until a stressful event arises, but it’s going on all the time," says Dr. Coan. "When a wife holds or caresses her husband, she is really reaching into the deepest parts of his brain, calming down the neutral – threat response."

Can it be that easy access to a wifely hug after a fall – out with a neighbor, co-worker is as potent as a tranquilizer or a beta-blocker? It starts with the simple act of holding hands and hugging – long and loving embraces, several times a day – according to the latest science.

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_A Three-Step Model for Solving Problems as a Team

Every relationship experiences conflict. When it occurs, it is often difficult to work together to find constructive solutions. It is crucial that couples learn to attack the problem and not each other. How couples approach conflicts makes all the difference in terms of marital satisfaction. The following three steps can help you solve differences in your relationship constructively. (This model is based on the work of Scott Stanley and his colleagues in the PREP program at the University of Denver).

_Have a full discussion

The goal in step 1 is to clarify and understand the issue involved. Each partner should be committed to understanding the other person’s perspective.

Use the speaker-Listener Technique if needed.

Use "Timeout" to let things cool down if needed.

Practice the "Golden Rule"

_Work together to find a solution

The goal in step 2 is to consider options and decide together how to solve the problem. Remember, attack the problem not each other!

Decide together exactly what problem you want to solve.

Brainstorm all possible solutions.

Agree on a course of action, and follow it fully for a specified length of time.

_Follow-up

The goal of step 3 is to see if the agreements made are working.

Put a date on the calendar for a follow-up discussion.

Evaluate together how the solution is working – no zingers.

Decide what to do next (go back through step 1 and 2, if necessary).

If this model for solving problems does not help in a particular situation, seek the help of your pastor, a counselor or wise friend to help you work through the conflict constructively. Don’t let problems build up.

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_Building Workplace Boundaries

Simply hoping that infidelity will never touch marriage is a luxury no couple can afford. Here are five guidelines for establishing workplace boundaries that will demonstrate your commitment to your spouse and safeguard your marriage:

Don’t verbalize your feelings to the one to whom you feel attracted. Instead, tell a friend who will hold you accountable.

Avoid the coworker’s office, favorite lunch spots, or gathering places.

Turn down projects that call for the two of you to work together alone.

If you must have a lunch meeting or business agenda with the person, make sure you do so in a public place.

Don’t dwell on compliments or flirtatious conversations with a coworker.

Escape routes: take a walk, read your Bible, pray, immerse yourself in a project, force yourself to think about every negative consequence of allowing a relationship, think good and pure thoughts.

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_Keeping A Positive Focus In Your Marriage

One of the most important ways to make your marriage great is by working together to create a positive atmosphere in your home. What follows are some practical suggestions that can help you continue to strengthen your friendship and marriage partners.

Make it a priority to learn your partner’s "love language" and to speak it every day.

Take note of departures and reunions with your partner. Greet each other warmly, be sure to say good-bye with encourages words. Don’t come home, go to bed, or leave the house in silence.

Make it a point to express appreciation on a regular basis. What does your partner do that makes your life easier or richer? Letting him/her know at your initiative is important.

When you want to criticize your partner, delay. Think about what it is you want to communicate and do it at a time lowered emotions. Be descriptive not interpretive in your feedback and focus on solutions rather than just rehashing the problems.

Avoid being a "psycho-pest." Psycopests offer insight into their partner’s behavior under the guise of being helpful, when infact they are merely being critical. It doesn’t help much to say, "There you go, behaving like your mother again."

When saying "no" to a request, be sure to add when you can say "yes." For example, if your partner wants to go to the movies but you are too tired, let your partner know you are interested, but at another time. Don’t negate a suggestion without giving alternatives.

Speak for yourself and not for your partner. If there is something you have an opinion about. State it clearly. Saying, "I would love to go out and do something fun this weekend, how about you?" is a clearer way of opening up discussion rather than saying, "What do you want to do this weekend?"

Make it a point to treat your partner as you would a trusted friend. Practicing the golden rule makes all the difference in the world.

Get out the photo album. Tell each other stories of things you have enjoyed in the marriage, good times you cherish, and hard times you have navigated successfully.

Take time to talk about your hope and dreams. What would you love to look forward to for yourself, for your marriage and for your family into the future?

Take time to make up a menu enjoyed activities. Add new items to the list. Make variety a priority.

The above suggestions are based on the work of Gary Chapman, John Gottman, Clifford Notarius and Scott Stanley.

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_Protecting Your Future Relationships By Getting A Handle On Your Past

Take some time to answer the following questions. You may want to do this together, or take some time alone and then share your responses at a later time.
(This assessment is recommended as the first assessment in counseling couples).

Tell your partner your story about growing up in your family (its amazing how many of us haven’t done this).

_What were the major events (positive & negative)?

_What did you learn about:

Yourself?

Family?

Marriage?

The role of men, husbands, and fathers?

What men are like?

How men act?

What men expect from women?

The role of women, wives, and mother?

What women are like?

How women act?

What women expect from men?

How do events from your past continue to be dealt with in the present?

Based on both of your stories, what are the problems that you might expect to occur in this relationship? Are any of those problems occurring right now?

How was conflict resolved in your family, and do you see those skills being evidenced in your relationship?

Do we recreate what we saw in our family?

How does it make you feel when those conflict resolution skills (or lack of skills) were evidenced by your parents?

Are those feelings taking place now as you date and interact?

If the home was abusive (physical, sexual, emotional) there are key issues to be aware of:

Safety will be important

Hyper-vigilance to rejection or lack of safety may occur and block communication.

You will need to understand the triggers for you, or your partner, and how to come alongside when these are triggered. Are you willing to keep this up, even if it doesn’t change?

Having baggage from the past is not the problem. Not accepting that the baggage exists, or believing that it will not get in the way is a problem.

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_Sixteen Ways To Help Your Family By Reducing Your Stress

Simplify and unclutter your life. Less is more.

Go to bed on time and get up on time so you can start the day fresh and unrushed.

Tell your spouse you love him or her every day, at different times.

Say "no" to projects that won’t fit into your time schedule. Seriously.

Slow down. Read a book, color a page, or play a game with a child.

Delegate tasks to capable others.

Laugh.

Laugh some more! A whole lot.

Take one day at a time. If you worry about what may happen tomorrow and it does not happen, you have worried in vain. Even if it does happen, you have to worry twice.

Allow extra time to get to places.

Develop a forgiving attitude – most people are doing the best they can.

Be kind to unkind people – they probably need it the most.

Remind yourself that you are not the general manager of the universe.

Live within your budget; don’t use credit card for unbudgeted purchases.

Take your work seriously, but not yourself.

Every night before bed, think one thing you are grateful for – and actually go ahead and give thanks for them.

"Come ye yourselves apart into a desert place, and rest a while" – Mark 6:31

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_Standing With The Man

Gen 2:18-19, "And the LORD God said, "It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him."

When God made the man, though He put man was in the best environment and gave him everything, God recognised that man had one more need. He needed a companion; someone to be his helper.

The companion God made for man was the one called ‘wife' not just a woman, but wife. The first role that woman played after creation was as that of a wife.

Every married woman must understand her role in the life of her husband.

There is something about a woman that can make or break a man; every husband needs his wife in order to live a fulfilled life and achieve his purpose.

If a man wants to succeed, he needs the strength of his wife; he needs her wisdom, her potentials, her strength and her grace.

His focus should be on investing in the one who is called to invest in his life and getting her to love him to a point where she is willing to be his helper.

A man defines being a man as ‘I am in control, I tell you what to do' and this is why men find it difficult to lean on God and their wives. Men don't like to ask for help; they would rather find answers on their own.

They feel that being "a man" means that they don't need help but what makes a man a man is the fact that he needs help.

Men feel they should never let their wives know their fears and weaknesses as this makes them vulnerable and might cause their wives not to respect them. Yet when husbands open up to their wives, the women are able to fulfill their God-ordained roles as their helpers and still respect them.

Most of the problems men have with their wives are either issues from their past or from the present.

_THE PAST

There are some things in a man's past, which if he doesn't resolve before getting married, he will take out on his wife because she is the closest person to him.

Therefore before a man finds a wife he has to first find God . When he finds God, He would cleanse him, heal his broken heart and deal with everything that might stop him from being a good husband and from receiving help from his wife.

When a man is battling with hatred, insecurity, shame, wrong words spoken to him by his parents and low self-esteem etc, everything his wife does for him will bounce back in her face because he is not in a position to receive help. His wife cannot help him, no matter how hard she tries unless he allows God to first help him.

1 John 4:7 says, "Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God."

In other words, man must receive love from God first before he can love his wife and receive love from her. Until a man allows God to heal his past, he is not capable of loving his wife.

_THE PRESENT

Men have pressure from the present. A man wants to prove to everyone around him that he is "a man".

What happens therefore is that the man will judge himself by the achievements of others and his ego makes him want to always be the best.

In the bid to show that he can live up to his responsibilities, a man might compromise his values (steal, move with bad company, cut corners in business etc) in order to prove his manliness to other people as well as his wife because her opinion matters a great deal to him.

However, men need to understand that what makes them "men" is loving God and loving their wives.

Once a man finds God and understands that his help is in God; then everything around him will work for his success in life.

When a man loves his wife, she is encouraged to help him; the Bible says, "one will chase one thousand, two will chase ten thousand".

I would like to share this story, which I read in a book. In the book, a man wrote about a younger man whom he loved. The man noticed that this younger man was full of potential and quite intelligent but he could not understand why the younger man got sacked from every job he got. The man then decided to employ his young friend.

Some months after he employed this younger man, the man realized that though his young friend had so much potential, he was not using it and he had to sack him.

However, after sacking the young man, he prayed and asked God about what was wrong with his young friend. God then told him invite the young man and his wife to dinner so that He could show him what the young man was doing wrong. He did this and the young man accepted his invitation.

When they came for the dinner, the man watched this young man and his wife very closely. And he soon noticed that the young man was very nasty to his wife; he teased her a lot, said things that belittled her and he made cruel jokes that were directed at his wife. At a point, his wife became very red in the face and uncomfortable but the more she tried to convey to him that he was embarrassing her; the more he teased her. He obviously did not see what he was doing and he was having a good time but everyone else thought he was a nasty man.

The man then knew why this young man could not keep a job.

The Bible says in 1 Peter 3:7, "Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered."

The man said God told him that the reason this man could not succeed was because he was fighting his helper.

His prayers were not answered because he was unkind to his wife. He was being nasty to her and so God could not answer his prayers or bless him.

Though the young man wanted to succeed, he was actually busy working against himself because he was belittling his helper. He was abusing the person that was anointed by God to pray for him, fight for him, encourage him and submit her strength to him to use.

Later, the man called the young man aside and said to him; your problem is that you have not allowed the one that should help you to help you. You have demeaned the one that has been called to help you in life.

The man then made this profound statement: a man that succeeds in his home will succeed in every area of his life.

Every man must know that the key to his success in life lies in how he treats his wife and children.

Every man who wants to succeed in life must have God as his first priority, his wife as his second priority, his children as third priority and then every other thing will be added to him.

_Pastor Bimbo Odukoya.

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